Yes, I'm Guilty

Bennett had a physio appt. this past Friday. Jim and I felt so guilty because we hadn’t done much physio with him while we were on holidays. It was impossible to do during the 8 days of driving and then he was so miserable in Florida that we were just concentrating on trying to keep him happy. Anyway, we confessed our negligence to the therapist and she was very understanding and sympathetic.

He has made some progress though – especially with the amount of time he can spend on all fours and with getting back into a sitting position. We have another appt with the physio tomorrow and our first visit with the occupational therapist. I’m mostly looking forward to starting another therapy but also have some mixed feelings. I know from experience that physio is hard work and that most of the time progress is very slow. It can be hard to stay focused on the long term results when you don’t see immediate progress. We celebrate every thing Bennett does with his right hand because we know that it is hard for him – and we have seen some progress as we continue to push him. However, here is where my mixed feelings come in - I also know from experience that while therapy helps it doesn’t “fix” anything. No matter how much we cheer and how hard we work, therapy will not “fix” Bennett anymore than it has “fixed” me. It has without a doubt improved the quality of my life and my ability to do some things but it hasn’t made my injuries go away – I will live with the pain and effects of the car accident forever just like Bennett will always have cerebral palsy. Even though I know that, it is so hard not to get carried away with therapy. I find myself falling into the trap of thinking that with therapy and time Bennett will somehow be “normal”. I think a lot of people think this way – not only when it comes to me but when it comes to Bennett. The truth is, he’s not going to be “normal” – he’s not going to be “fine”. He has cerebral palsy and will have it and will struggle with it for the rest of his life. That truth is hard to face and I must say I prefer to stick my head in the sand sometimes. There is such a fine line between hope and accepting reality.

This morning Jim and I were struggling with trying to tape Bennett’s hand and arm. He was not happy with us at all and just screamed and squirmed. I found myself getting very angry – angry that we have to do this to him at all, angry that every day I feel guilty about not doing enough therapy, angry that he can’t be just a normal little boy and we normal parents with normal worries, angry that my leg aches so much that it makes it difficult to do stuff with Bennett and angry that all this work won’t “fix” him. That’s a lot of anger for a Sunday morning. It’s times like these that I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and take things one day at a time. Therapy is important but it’s also important that Bennett has time to just be a little boy and I have time to just be a mom – and I shouldn’t feel guilty about that, right?

And just because I feel guilty about being a bit negative in this post, here is a short video of Bennett at his last physio appt. He's doing great isn't he?!