Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Confession and One of Those Days

I'll confess that today was a day that I've been dreading for awhile. I knew it was going to be not only hot but humid. Bennett was scheduled to go to daycare and I had little choice but to dress him in T-shirt and shorts. Unfortunately what I'm going to say will reveal how incredibly shallow I can be at times. I've been worried about today because it would be the first time that Bennett's brace would be fully visible to the world. And I was worried what other people would think - what people might say.

This afternoon I went to pick him up. As usual, he insisted on giving me a full tour of the yard. He does this everytime - always muttering excitedly and gesturing with his hands. I like to think that in his own way, he is telling me all about his day. In the centre of the yard is a large play structure with stairs leading up to a slide. Of course he eventually led me there and got in line behind the other kids (his manners impress me at times). With a heavy heart I watched the other kids grab the sides of the stairs and race up to the slide. When it was Bennett's turn I reached over to help him up however one of the caregivers leaned over and said, "Watch him do it himself." I turned back in time to see Bennett grab the sides of the stairs - with both hands - and walk up, get on his bum and slide down - all by himself. I thought my heart would burst I was so proud of my guy! In a moment all my worries about the brace melted away.

Tonight I had to run some errands. On my way home I was driving by Dairy Queen - well, actually I stopped at Dairy Queen. Shhhhh - don't tell Jim - I didn't get him anything. While waiting in line at the Drive-thru I watched a father race around with his kids playing a game of tag. And for the third time today, I felt the tears come to my eyes. Watching that little scene unfold broke my heart on a number of levels. First of all, it made me wonder whether Bennett will ever be able to run. And if he does, it makes me so sad to think that I won't be able to run with him.

So, I guess it was just one of those days. But when I go to bed tonight I know which scene I'll be replaying in my head. It will be the image of the smile on Bennett's face as he climbed those stairs and flew down that slide - all by himself....


Dawn said...

Oh honey! There is no shame in Bennett needing a brace! And good for him getting up and down the slide all by himself. He will continue to amaze you. Sorry you had a rough day, sometimes it's all we can do to not fall into an emotional pit. Tomorrow will be better. {{Hugs}}

Popcorn House said...

I agree with Dawn! Tomorrow will be better. I have many of those days. I think GOLL this is so hard, I want Sammy to have everything and do everything! But then I have days where I think Sammy is perfect just the way he is. Just so tough to be us sometimes ;o)

I roll Sammy's sock over his SMO, so I am right with you. The first time Daniel did it I was like HEY are we ashamed that our kid has a brace? He said NO of course we aren't. But still I keep rolling the sock over it.

Anonymous said...

Independent climbing and sliding! You have every reason to hope that Bennett will run around with his daddy. He might even get the chance on a day that Jim does not tell you he visited DQ. Ahem.

(Wishing you could get a second opinion for your own ankle.)

More emphasis on the slide memory...all by himself!
(other) Barbara

Amanda said...

I know how you feel about the brace. I admit I shead a lot of tears thinking about my little girl wearing a brace, and most of those tears were because she wouldn't be able to wear cute dresses because the brace would show. I was being very shallow, becase I knew the brace would help her, but I didn't want people to see it! Anyway, after time I realized that (like Suzanne) I could roll her socks over the AFO and SMO and no one could tell!! I thought EVERYONE would be stopping me to ask me about it, but I can honestly say that in the past month or so that Leah has been wearing dresses, NOT one single person has stopped me and asked me!! I worried and cried for nothing, nobody even notices!

Bennett is doing awesome, climbing with TWO hands--way to go!!

grandma said...

I don't know how to respond to this post. Like you, I sometimes worry about how life will treat him in the future. But, you know, I think that he will handle the future just fine and will make his way through life in charge of his own destiny!!!
Lots of love, hugs and kisses

Kara said...

I sure understand how you feel - though Kasia never had a brace, she did go through some less than desirable phases that gave me the same emotions. Remember when her tongue was out all the time? Or her eyes were crossing? It felt the same and boy did I beat myself up for feeling so self-concious about it. But now I'm going to tell you what I should've told myself: who cares!?! At least the brace is helping him to achieve all those fantastic things you described!! And honestly, with all the crap you had to go through to get it, I'd think you'd be showing it off like the trophy that it is! ;)

Kiera Beth said...

Barbara - I am getting caught up on posts. It sounds like a rough day. As the other Moms are saying, we all have them. Bennett is doing amazing things! As I read this post, it made me think back to your post about the caregiver being assigned to him and how you were worried he would not have an opportunity to do it on his own. I am so glad that they have been able to step back and let him do those activities on his own!

One of the things I notice about day-care is that Little Dude is much more independent there than he is around our house. I think that we do things for him that he could do on his own.

I love hearing about the climbing and sliding. Go Bennett!!