Lately, I can’t seem to get thoughts of the future out of my head. Many years ago, I can remember thinking of the future and looking forward to it. It was going to be great – children, travel, a great career. The possibilities were endless.
But now? Now the future scares me. It scares me so much that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I worry so much – mostly about Bennett. I’m sure all mothers worry – I have no doubt they do. But not all mothers worry about the things I do. I lie awake at night worrying about whether Bennett will walk, will he ever talk, how extensive will his cognitive impairments be, will he have seizures, is he having them now, will the hydrocephalus get worse, will he be able to participate fully in school, will he have friends, will other kids pick on him or bully him, will he be able to live on his own, what if something happens to us? I could go on but you get the idea.
I worry about myself too. Will I end up losing my leg at some point, will it get so bad that I’ll be confined to a wheelchair, what if Bennett and I both end up in wheelchairs? Will we become too much of a burden for Jim (he’ll kill me when he reads that one, so this may be my last blog post). I also worry about Jim – about my family, about his family, etc.
I know what some of you are thinking and I know you’re right. I have to stop worrying so much about the future. I can’t control it, I don’t KNOW what’s going to happen. I have to live one day at time. So, I’ll take a deep breath and remind myself to try this.
The other reason why I need to stop worrying so much is because it robs me of something – something very important. Something called HOPE. When I worry so much, I lose hope. And frankly, right now I need hope. Hope that I can handle whatever happens. Hope that wonderful things will happen too.
I really need to start enjoying Bennett more than I worry about him. After all, there is a lot to enjoy. How can you not enjoy a sweet little boy with an incredible smile who gives sloppy kisses, who has an infectious belly laugh and an apparent love for Salsa music?
So, here’s my reminder for today – ONE DAY AT A TIME. And today is Friday.